A 5 Step Break Up survival Guide

Continuing with our break up survival tips from last week:

For some of us, the break up may come as a shock and we go into the begging-and-pleading - a.k.a BAP, which is absolutely human and understandable, don't beat yourself up if you did - and somehow that seems to makes things worse instead of leading to reconciliation...

Your ex draws further and further away.

There might even have been angry words, reactive behaviors and actions thrown into the fallout. Some tit-for-tat of your ex dates someone else, you too date someone else etc... Again, T4T while ugly is also a rather human response to an emotionally charged event.

If you've done any of the above, you may think it's over for good.

Perhaps it is.

Whether you hope to reconcile from your ex or to close this chapter for good..

You need to survive the break up.

By survive I mean you need to move on from what has happened.

Step 1: Understand The Breakup

Why is this important?

You could just sweep it under the rug and choose whatever narrative that suits you, right? There are so many adages about men vs women that all of us are so used to hearing (i.e. men are from mars/women are from mars etcetera).

No.

You need to understand why the breakup happened to help you face it instead of run from it.

Learning to handle difficult, even painful, emotions are vital to our well-being. Processing what has happened and how you contributed to it helps you grow out of the past for yourself and your future.

Step 2: Make a Conscious Choice.

This choice could be to let go of the past relationship, allow yourself to heal from this loss, and eventually meeting someone new.

This choice could also be to reconcile with your ex and to build a new, better relationship, than the one that ended because it no longer works.

Whichever choice you make, do it intentionally.

Be wary of drifting along with the flow, because not making a choice is a choice, and such a choice is one that comes from a deeper belief of not wanting to bear the consequences of what happens to you.. because it happened to you instead of you choosing it.

Therefore you are not liable for it and you release yourself from your own responsibility.

One of the toughest elements of a breakup is the sense of being disempowered.

You want to empower yourself. Hence, choose.

Intentionally.

Step 3: Build Habits

I know, it is totally natural, and again very understandable, to want to bow down to the pain and to lie around in bed all day doing nothing and wallowing in your grief.

Eating poorly. Neglecting the usual shower.

Or, going the other extreme of throwing yourself into working fanatically.

It's part of being human.

What you don't want to do is to allow that to take over your life.

Believe me, I daresay I can relate to that when I went through my Big Breakup (I'll be sharing more about this next week) where all I wanted to do was sleep and cry and repeat..

After the initial natural few days, you want to create and stick to a good routine for yourself. Waking up, eating well (as much as you can), going to work/school, sleeping at a relatively decent time.

This doesn't mean to pretend you are okay when you are not.

Building and sticking to your self-care habits during this time helps you create a safe space around yourself to lean into.

This also allows you to regain the sense of control you naturally feel has left you since the breakup.

Step 4: Acknowledging Love

Acknowledging the breakup happened, to yourself, to your family and friends.

Not because you owe anyone else an explanation.

This acknowledgement could be a brief conversation to those who love you to help them understand how you would like to proceed with what has happened moving forward,

For example: "we have broken up and I would like some time to work things through on my own." Or, anything that represents how you feel at the moment.

Those who love you will want to help you and without clarity from you, they may inadvertently cross your boundaries (they wouldn't know if you don't tell them and it will be guesswork and assumptions which serves no one) about your ex and the past relationship, either by badmouthing them or talking too much/too little than what you hope for.

Step 5: Ex Dynamic

Your ex may still be present in your life for a variety of reasons.

How to interact with your ex is one of the biggest questions I get from clients working through their breakups.

You may not yet be sure what you want. That's okay.

Wherever you are in your breakup, come from Compassion.

Compassion for yourself, compassion for your ex, compassion for two human beings equally confused as to how to behave with each other during such a challenging time.

When you are unsure, be polite.

You want to treat your ex as a fellow person, someone also struggling with their own emotions.

I know that may be really hard. I get it. You are yourself struggling just to breathe.

I would only say, try your best.

It's for you as much as it is for the other human being on the other side of this equation.

If you need more specific help in your situation, leave me a comment in this post or reach out to me through this website.

This 5-Step Break Up Guide is for you.

You are not alone. I am here for you.

For Love, With Heart.

Fiona